this, this, & this

My mother, the one who insists on sending me photos of her standing beside snowbanks to prove Jesus does not answer prayers, suggests I try online dating, in full knowledge that Jesus also conjured up the Internet via Scientology in order to emasculate me.

She says why not try this, this & this in order to fix things, & I say, okay, I will try smoking clove cigarettes but I will not (I repeat) will not get a Lassie dog for companionship. Especially since the last Lassie dog I had caught rabies after attempting to lay with a really fat raccoon on our back deck. It is hard to love something that froths.

This is how I came to rely on quantum physics to fix my life.
Quanta--don't fail me now!